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Have a question for Peter Tork? Ask him at: peter@askpetertork.com

All reasonable questions and a few unreasonable ones will be considered for publication. Letters may be edited for space considerations. All letters become the property of Ask Peter Tork, blah blah blah, legal stuff and copyright © 2010.

“Ask Peter Tork” is published monthly, except when it isn’t.

Editor: Therra Cathryn Gwyn therra@askpetertork.com

SEPTEMBER 2010

Dear Peter,

I'm really glad you are doing this gig again. After reading "Ask Peter Tork" in the Daily Panic, I knew that anyone who has access to your "two cents worth" is getting a lot for their money.

Ever since the sixties, when I saw that picture of you "reading" the Upanishads upside down, I've wondered about your own spiritual journey. How much and in what ways have eastern religions and philosophies influenced your personal world view? Was it a struggle to leave the belief system of your childhood? What spiritual

practices, aside from the obvious (listening in your heart for new songs) are part of your routine?

Thanks again for your careful and kind answers in this column.

Namaste,

Elaine

Dear Elaine,

Well, thanks for the question...I think! Someone recently said that people who want to talk to you about their religion rarely want to hear about yours. I am only too aware that my expressing my spiritual/religious views leaves me open to the charge of proselytizing, which I don't want to do. Everyone has to come to their own views, as far as I'm concerned, whether or not certain conventional religions provide a suitable framework.

Having said all that, tho', and since you asked, I will try to give you a quick sketch. Firstly, eastern "religions" (I use quote marks to say maybe they aren't religions*) have indeed been a huge source for me. My mom gave me a book on Zen when I was in my teens, and while I didn't get much from it then, I have found in the years since that Zen Buddhism has an attitude that appeals to me a great deal, as far as I understand it. I'm something of a minimalist, I think, at least in these matters, and Zen has been about as minimal as it's possible to be and still say anything at all. Incidentally, I can also recommend anything by Krishnamurti, who might be seen as uncompromising to the limit, but he's great anyway.

I grew up in an agnostic/atheistic/non-theistic household. I wondered for years what everybody was on about when they said "God." I certainly wasn't interested in whatever religion the good boys and girls in school were into, usually Catholic, sometimes Protestant. My father didn't believe in the God he was presented with, and I don't believe in that God either. Howsomever, I do believe that awareness

of a connectedness of some sort is critical to human well-being. One Zen teacher said "Life is the teacher." That made all kinds of sense to me, because whatever we're talking about here, it has to be real. Unverifiable assertions are useless to me, so if it's real, it will show in real life, some way, somehow, some time.

Anyway, all of that is partly to say that I had no particular religion to break away from at home, except the "religion" of rationalism. I did have a set-to or two with my father about my developing sense of connection, which included phenomena he couldn't allow himself to believe were even possible. That part was tough, and we never did completely reconcile over the point, tho' we got along okay thru the

rest of his life.

As to my routine today, well, I don't believe I actually have one. My sobriety is the critical issue for me now, so I daily take a moment to consider that, and I reaffirm whatever it takes keep me mindful. There's a strong spiritual component to recovery from addiction/alcoholism, so maybe that counts as a spiritual routine, tho' it seems a bit farfetched to call it that. Mostly it's just what keeps me from acting out so badly that I begin a deteriorating slide to hell.

That's enough, by Gar!

Namaste to you, too,

Peter

*Some of the schools of thought I follow don't engage with the concept of God at all. Maybe better to think of them as psychologies or philosophies.

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Hey Peter,

Great that you are doing the column again! Really great to read. My question is that, I know you love baseball, but being raised on the East Coast, I wondered if you every got into hockey?

Hope On...

Tyrone

Dear Tyrone,

Nope, I never got into hockey, and I don't think that has anything to do with where I live. Or, rather, I don't think that matters where in the U.S. I live; if I was born and raised in Canada, I imagine I'd enjoy it a great deal more.

Mostly, I will say, I never attended hockey games in person 'til much later in life, and couldn't follow the game on TV, and mostly what I saw was another football/basketball/soccer-type game, only on ice, and with a hell of a lot of fighting. If you put it that way, who could care? Years later I watched a minor league hockey game, to much better effect. There was nary a fight, and I got to watch the grace of the competition. That was better, tho' not enough to overcome

years of apathy toward the game.

I imagine you love the game, so I won't go any further with this, except to say, enjoy what you like, and please, please, please, have a good time.

Best,

Peter

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Dear Peter,

I can't imagine you not being a musician or being cute Peter Tork of the Monkees and Shoe Suede Blues. But if you had never been a musician or never wanted to be one, what do you think you would have done with your time and talent? Have you ever wanted to be something else? I am trying to decide between 3 things on what to be. I think sometimes you know what you are and sometimes you don't. I wish I knew.

I love you.

Cathy

Dear Cathy,

Well, you are asking a couple of questions, one of which is almost unanswerable. I mean, change everything about me and then ask who I am, well, that's a puzzler. If you're asking what other fields I've been drawn to to any noticeable degree, I don't mind saying that the law and the kind of counseling I do in these columns have both looked like reasonable and attractive careers. Strangely enough, there's one other thing in particular I wouldn't mind doing, and that's massage therapy. My father had good hands, and he seems to have bequeathed them to me, and though I've never taken training, and it's a little late in life to get started now, it still seems like a useful life to me.

BUT! The big deal question you're asking is how do you (or how does anybody) know what to do in life. That one's much more important. Someone once said to me, if you don't know what to do, it's because you don't know who you are. See, for me, I never realized out loud, so to speak, that music/entertainment was my calling, but I look back on my life, and at every juncture, that's what I went for. So, one way of looking at what you might want to do/be in life is to look back at what you've liked to do so far. One note in particular at this point, which I've made before. Everybody gets shut down to some extent growing up; it's inevitable, and nothing to get bent about. But what it does mean is that it's possible that you haven't thought about the things you liked to do as a child for a long time now. Go back into your past. What turned you on? What gave you the thought: I'd like to do that/be a part of that? Even if it was the way you related to your dolls, there might well be a clue there, if not even an outright signpost with a fanfare.

If money is a concern, well, then, money's a concern. There's nothing wrong with striking out for serious independence if there is a concern about being left without resources. I hope, however, that that concern is not the overriding be-all and end-all of your considerations. Money is, of course, critical to civil well-being in this life, but beyond a certain point, more does not improve the quality of life...much. If there seems to be a useful, satisfying career open to you, then follow it unless you're deeply concerned that you won't be independent there, in which case maybe the next more lucrative career path is better for you.

Like that.

Best of luck,

Peter

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Dear Peter,

I've been married for over 30 years, the children have now grown and left home. (I married in my teens) I'd hoped my husband and I could enjoy more time together now but over the last few years the physical side of our marriage has dwindled to almost nothing. He's never been very demonstrative but now he seems to prefer the TV to time with me. I've tried different things including making the first move, without success. And I've tried talking to him about it but he says he's happy the way things are and sees no need to change them. He is in good health, has a good job and no money worries. I really miss the feeling of being close to someone, the romance and the passion but he tells me to "grow up, real life's not like that.” Am I being unrealistic? Is this what I should expect the rest of my life to be like? If so it seems very bleak and lonely.

Kathryn.

Dear Kathryn,

Let's start with your husband's quote: "Grow up, real life's not like that." There's more wrong with that than I can get to, but just for starters, real life can, too, be like that. Real life sometimes is passionate and romantic. It's true that sometimes life is bleak, but the worst thing about your husband's quote is that it's manipulative; he's trying to shut you down for the sake of his own comfort. He's uncomfortable with your preferences. Note that that's what's going on here; it's his preferences vs. yours.

I regret to inform you that you won't have an easy time of this no matter what. As I am fond of hearing: "You pays your money and takes your choice."

I won't pretend to know every possible way to approach the situation, but the two main topic headings are the external, what we call objective, and internal, subjective approaches.

As to the external, let's assume for the sake of discussion that you're fine, and it's all him. My take then would be that there are three main ways to go here. The first is to accept your husband as he is with all that means. (There are two subsets here, depending on your codes: you can live without physical demonstrations of affection or get them on the side. Incidentally, while I'm thinking about that, the second sub-option doesn't necessarily mean finding sexual satisfaction outside the marriage; there's a wide range of physical affection that does not step outside the normal bounds of marriage.) The second option is to get out of the marriage, and enjoy what affection you may find in the singles world, and/or get involved with someone who does behave as you'd like. (Watch out here, tho', you know pitfalls await the unwary in this department.) Thirdly, and maybe the most wearying, is to get yourself and your husband into a counseling situation. Pastor, shrink, MFCC, whatever. This one's tough, because if he doesn't see any need to change, you have to provide him with reasons. Like, maybe, he won't have a marriage at all if he doesn't. Divorce is a bitch, as anyone knows, and the woman still takes the brunt of it, tho' that's generally getting a bit better, but if your husband doesn't think that your preferences and desires constitute any reason for him to reconsider his attitudes, you might be better off in every way out of the marriage. I mean, you can hardly get less affection if you never get another hug in your life, can you?

Okay, that's the "change the world" approach. You know what's coming next, don't you? Yeah, sorry, it's about checking yourself out. Here the field is vastly more complicated, and potentially vastly more rewarding. Here the questions to ask yourself are more unsettling. Here's where you plumb the depths of your entire life. Not much to ask, is it? Smile.

Someone once told me that if you don't know what to do, it's because you don't know who you are. As I've mentioned before, this one sticks with me. You're upset with your husband. That, I am sure, means that he's breaking some (maybe hidden) rule/s of yours. What is that rule, what are those rules? Where did you get those rules? What would happen if you abandoned those rules? (Will your entire world come crashing down around your ears?) This road is a long and difficult one. It re-engages parental issues (what did it take to get along in your family of origin?) Did you think you deserved a reward for having done right for the last 30 years? (I'm not saying you don't, I'm just suggesting you ask yourself whether what's going on is about your entitlement.)

How have you been assuaging your sense of lack? I'll bet you've developed some habits which are not actually supportive of you. Alcohol was my compensatory habit, numbing my feelings of not being truly noticed or regarded. Of course, it really only served to take me away from my own life, not make it better. I didn't know this at the time, finding out only in a supported abstinence. Do you have any such behaviors? Over-eating, shopping unnecessarily, fixing other people, all these serve the same purpose: distracting oneself from one's life. BTW, these may not be fixable without help; seek counsel in your community, and if you don't have one, check out the nearest appropriate anonymous, 12-Step group.

Because, it is in one's own life that, finally, all these issues are settled. Don't let me discourage you from the effort, either. The joys and rewards are boundless, a veritable cornucopia of adventure and delight, and up ahead, a better world than you ever let yourself even dream of. Hang in there, do the work, and watch your cosmos change.

Let me know how it goes. I'll help as much as I can.

Peter